YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

This story is an oldie but a goodie. My conversation with my Mom tonight

reminded me to resurrect this again.

Tonight she told me.

Babe! That’s what she calls me.

Yea Ma.

Each night I say the rosary in bed then I take them and put them in a case under my pillow and every morning when I wake up they are under my stomach?

Isn’t that odd Babe?

Well Ma, maybe you wake up and decide to say more prayers and don’t remember?

Huh, I don’t think so Babe. I would remember!

I think the Blessed Mother is saying prayers for me!

And now the story !!!

I have this sweet little 89-year-old Mom she is amazing! She is my biggest fan, has always been supportive of me. She knows how to dish guilt like it was a plate of manicotti.

My Mom is very religious ~ !  One of her dressers has like 14 statuses of Saints on it, with a small replica of the Pieta. Then one wall has this massive crucifix- hugeeeeeeeeeeee – and the other wall has these rosary beads that are just as big as the cross. Each bead is a big as a racquetball. I swear…

She lives in this High rise in Bergen County and my Brother live in the same building. Everyday she races in her wheel chair to the sliding doors by the terrace. She sits there and crochets as she looks out the window and complains about what all the people are doing.. She lives on a low floor so nothing passes her….She can tell you who went in and out of the deli and what she thought they bought…

So one day she decided that she wanted to rearrange the living room and so the procession began… Everyone was there moving this and that and my cute little Mom became the Wheel chair CEO… Minga~~

She just loved her new digs….

Then like a week later she gets a call from the lady that owns the deli.

Mary?

Yes..

This is Antoinette from the Deli.

Oh hiya.

Mary, we are looking at your Terrance doors and well – um …

What what, my Mother shouts.

Well, we see the Blessed Mother in the window….

What, Mom yells… I’ll call ya back…

Then she calls my Brother and sisters, she saves me for last because I pretend I am not home.. hahahahahhahahaha

My Big Bro, the prodicial Italian male and the oldest goes downstairs and looks up.. My Mom and my sisters see him making the sign of the cross.. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Then one by one my sisters go look and there they are on the street making the sign of the cross.  Omgggggggggggggggg..

That night I call Mom as I always do.

She says, Babe?

Yea Ma ,what?

She recounts the call (but leaves out the part about the Blessed Mother), she recounts my brother and sisters and then she says.” What do you think is on Mommies window?”

I don’t know Ma, what.

The Blessed Mother!!!

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT….

The battle of wits and why nots began.. She won and I gave up…

For the next week that’s all I heard … The people at the deli were selling tickets for people to see the vision.

My Brother was upstairs trying to figure out how he could capitalize on this.

My sisters were in Awe and I well I was at the shrink…

There was this pilgrimage on Bergen Blvd to see the vision…. People were asking if they could come in the apartment!

So finally I go to see this!

And ya now what????  I saw the same thing, this vision of the Blessed Mother!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I’m like, No , No, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

You read about this shit in the Enquirer!  Man in coffee shop saw the Blessed Mother on a potato chip!!!! Not here. Not my Mom’s house!!!!!

So I go to look around, thinking something aint right~~~that’s when I realized!

When she rearranged the living room she also rearranged her knickknacks and other statuses. Then I saw it! She had a sun catcher with all these crystals hanging on the terrace glass window and acrros that was a glass figurine of the Blessed Mother…

MINGA!!!!! As soon as I moved the figurine the only Mary that was left in the house was my MOM……………..

She was sooooo disappointed!!!! So was my brother because apparently he called the press and was making a deal to get folks up there to rub the glass for $5.00….

She was so disappointed!!

As soon as the vision was gone all these pigeons appeared on her terrace the next day. She was so angry… Yellin at them, sushin and all. This saga went on for a week. The she called one night and said, “Babe, its Mommie” – yea Ma..

All the pidgins left!

Thank God, I replied.

She then says. All but one he wont leave know matter what I do….I threw water at him.I did this, I did that and he always comes back?

Really Ma?

Yea Babe, ya know what?

What Ma –

I think its Daddy…

God Bless Ma

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

Its that time of the year again when we are faced with one of the most tempting decisions.

TO PEEP OR NOT TO PEEP !! 

Ya know, those marshmallow things shaped into the form of a chick, with sugar all over it!

Its Easter time !!!  Quick find your bonnet ~ get ready for Da Easter parade.. Get your HOLY Chocolate now!  CHOCOLATE EGGS, BUNNIES, CROSSES – OMG !!!!

AND LETS NOT FORGET ALL OF THEOSE EASTER MOVIES –

The Robe – the Ten Commandments – King of Kings and Easter Parade!!!

This is the Christian celebration of the Resurrection of Christ .. Where did the friggin chocolate and Peter cotton tail come in?

And Lent !!!

Give up something you love for the 40-day period, symbolizing the Lenten season's return to simplicity and purity. It doesn't matter what you give up - cigarettes, chocolate, surfing the Internet - as long as the meaning of its absence holds significant value to you.

I was raised Roman Catholic but pulled away from many of the traditions of the religion. For me the Church is one of the biggest Corporations around. I believe that the word of God has been manipulated through the times to support  MAN MADE rules.

We even have our own city !!!! VATICAN CITY !!  Did u eva!

Why do you think spirituality has become so popular?

Everyone you meet today calls them selves spiritual!

I mean even if you go on dating websites under religion one of the categories is spirituality.

Since when did spiritual become a religion? I thought spiritual was something you were when no other religion would have you!!!

And has the Universe replaced God?

I have a friend that says to me, Mare – don’t get pissed, give it up to the universe?

Give it love and defuse it! Karma will take care of it!!

Ahhhh here comes the Dalai Lama tail, hoppin down the wellness trail!!          WHAT !!!!

It’s hard to be spiritual when you are Italian !

I can see it now. 

Ding dong – who’s there?

KARMA!

Karma who?

Look open da friggin door before I smack ya!!!!

But here we are Lost in DA Bunnies. Lookin for Lent in all the wrong places.

Maybe it’s not even something tangible that you should give up?

Maybe you should give up bad behavior?

Or stop being a Nasty Ass!

Or maybe, just maybe try to be more tolerant!

 But inevitably you will find yourself in CVS or the grocery store on line starring at PEEPS and thinking – Hummmmmmmmm.

Maybe I’ll only buy one package?

Ok so the power of the PEEPS has taken you over – you BUY the friggin PEEPS!

Only to get them home and poke a few holes in the package and have to wait till the next day to eat them so they are nice and stale.

Now that’s LENT !!!!  WAITING FOR THE PEEPS TO GET HARD?

Which resembles sex – hummmmmmmm….

So all you Peeps out there that are so perplexed as to what to give up or if you’re feeling like you are not being a good Catholic just sit back and ponder a bit.

If you need/want to follow the traditions of the religion then fine!!!

If you struggle with some of those MAN MADE interpretations, then just do the right things, love your neighbor ( as long as they are not married ) follow right action and if you really want to – just buy the damn PEEPS!

I got cha arrow right hereeee

Love is in Da Air

The other night I was browsing the home page. This woman wrote how crazy in love she was with her Husband and that they had been married for many years and they still have it going on.

Then some woman commented and said. “Oh really, then he must be having an affair if he is all into you!” Or maybe you are just delusional because it’s BS!!

MINGA- WOW~ ~~ !!!!!

The woman that wrote the original post simply replied back and said, “ Sorry you have been hurt!”..

Now that was amazing because if it were me I would have been all over that, soooo typical Italian!! All in da sauce.

Valentine’s Day applies such unnecessary pressure! It starts at the office when that little 90210 type blonde assistant gets so many flowers delivered. The office is more abundant with delivery men rather then staff. Then to add insult to injury she yells out and says” If none of ya got flowers I can give ya some of mine”!   Guurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

She has a date for lunch, dinner and then a late night drink. Minga. Then there goes your fictional mind, “what’s wrong with me?” Why don’t I have a date? How come I got no flowers? Valentines’ Day is a commercialized, money making pyramid scheme if ya ask me!

There are some peeps out there that have, shall we say – “FOUND IT”.

The magic and passion. The trust and mutual respect.

The continued longing after years of being together.

Learning the dance of compromise. Supporting your partners needs and dreams.

Trust me, it can happen! This I know for a fact.

I am not trying to get all Zen and cerebral on you here but I am a believer.

With Valentines Day lurking in the wings many things come to mind.

First off, Loves got nothing to do with Valentines Day!

Anyone can get all in the Kool-aid for ONE day – Love is maintaining that stature all the time ~

Some Folks are tainted about Love, some folks are in Love with Love and some Folks settle for Love.

Folks even misplace Sex for Love! Then six months later you wake up, look at that person next to you and say, “what was I thinking!”. Ahhh, the mistake of Lusty love…

And the next time you see a RED FLAD – believe it! Don’t keep changing the color and pretend its friggin mauve. When someone shows you’re thier True Colors the first time, believe it.

I have heard so many horror stories from both my Male & Female friends. This one chick had 2 cell phones, one for Da Honey and one for da rest!

One friend said she met this guy for coffee at the mall and he bought his daughter? The kid walked around the book store kept herself busy and the date was ova, she thought – awwwww he had his kid that night but really wanted to meet me! Until she found out he was married and could not leave the house unless da kid was with him!! You friggin MOOK..

However, not every Mista you meet is Mista Right! He or she may simply be Mista for the Moment..

They may be the person that comes into your world to teach you some lessons. Yes I know – how many lessons do we need.

That depends on you! If you find yourself doing the same things every day, excepting different results, well slap yourself now…

So when u meet someone new and you think there is potential there. Plan the moments rather than the future. It’s not based on manipulation or control but rather a need. Controlling the situation is not about being a control freak. It’s basically about controlling insecurities. Some people use strategies of control to compensate for not trusting. Or (what if) yourself into a corner for no good reason at all.

Don’t let all those old behaviors take control. Therefore, do not allow yourself to assume without the facts. Because assumptions manipulate fears and fears drive insecurities and before you know it, You’re in the Land of fear, dread and anxiety. With a season pass to the resort of Disappointment! And none of it has even happened. You are what if’ing. And then believing it!

If you were hurt, find your way home from there and don’t let what could be a good thing pass you by because you are afraid to let them in or sabotage it.

So if you are in Love – God Bless ya for taking a chance!~~

If you are Single – hang in because your Love will arrive shortly when you are ready to let it happen. Trust me~!

If you are Asexual – I hope u have a pet !!!!

So get da bow and arrow and aim for da heart!!  WHOOPS’ , that’s a scene from Goodfella’s.

For Art’s Sake!!

For Art’s Sake!!

I realize that all Art is subjective but Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I remember being asked by some friends to go to this performance space in NYC to see this “performance art show!”

I found out later that one of my friends had this mad crush on one of the performers. So we were planning on going out anyway and I thought.. Ok no biggie!! We see the show then go clubbin…

So we pay like 10 bucks for this little rat hole room like space. You did not even need a mic because there was no room for it. So this is what they call intimate theatre.?????

OK. So we sit up front, not like there was a mad rush for seats

There I was all in black- hair perfect and looking forward to getting the boogie in my socks..

This odd music comes on and this guy walks center stage. He has a huge family style box of corn flakes in his hand. Then this voice over comes on mixed with the bad music and the voice says. Maze! Stuffed! Taken from American Indians.

I’m thinking ok – I have a bridge for sale~~~

Then the guy opens the corn flake box and begins taking handfuls of flakes and shoving them in his mouth.. Again and again.. Until his checks looked like Dizzy Gillespie on a trumpet solo….

I’m thinking, hummmmmm, my buddy wants to bang this dude???

He must have had half the box in his mouth… The voice over says FULL!!! Ya know what he did?? He blows the flakes out of his mouth!!! And yes, there I was front and center now lookin like I had tweed on and my hair immediately had highlights…

Well that was it~~~ THIS ITALIAN CHICK – YELLED OH SHIT!!! GRABBED THE BOX FROM THE “ARTIST” AND HIT HIM WITH IT!!!  YUP I DID… Then walked out!

Then I went to a draw-a- thon in the village.. Ya think I would have learned but no!   I sit with my real artist friends and all of a sudden a man and woman walk on stage naked, naked I tell ya! He has a feather on his appendage and she has lace over her eyes. Hummmmmmm. The class begins and there I was with a note pad ready to write whatever came to mind.

Then the music changes and this woman comes riding threw the scene in a baby scooter, yodeling????

Now I look around and no one was affected but me. Hummmmmm.

Then this very mature man, ok this friggin oldddddd dude walks into the scene with his appendage in full view with a ribbon wrapped around it. Now I felt like Woody Allen in a Fellini ugly movie all neurotic and wondering, is it me or what?

I did however realize a few things after these experiences!

Art indeed is in the eye of the beholder!! And I like my porn on TV not live! Now I know why Van Gosh cut his ear off.

I’m workin on it ~ Jeezzzz

Relationships and the complexities there of! 

Who was the one that said this shit was easy? That Love conquers all? That TWO is beta than one.

And da Mook’s that sang, “One is the loneliest number!”

I have always been a Hopeful Romantic! Da Jiminy Cricket of Love. Docta Feel Good.

What I have learned from this is that when my friends are pissed and tainted they don’t wanna here al DA Love shit. They want revenge or a master plan to fix it or make it go away. Or they wanna complain and not do a damn thing about it. Ohhhfahhhhhhhh.

So that advice I have been spooning out is this.

It takes 2 to Baby! You can’t do all the work yourself.

I have realized that longevity in a relationship is admirable but then the sex Peter’s out (pun intended). Or it’s just bad sex and then every one sings, “Where is the love!”

I think today’s relationships are more complex than in the days when you had to send a love note by horse. OK it might’a taken you longer to get outta your corset but think of all that teasing until you got it off. Minchia!

Today we have GPS in his car, on his phone.Then there is the cheater’s App! You neva heard of that one? Well, let me tell ya. It’s an App you install on your cell. Then when da Gumada or Gumbah calls or texts you, its goes to a dropbox on your phone so that no one can read or here the phone. Nice huh!! Just what we need.

Then there are all of these disorders where meds are needed to keep Da Love calm and normal.

Oh and let’s not forget the ones that carry their past around with them like it was yesterday and still live in it.

Or the EX wife or hubby that wont go away.  Oh Mother of GOD….STOP THE INSANITY.

How can you find the magic again or reignite the flame when you got cheaters App, Med’s, Depression, living in the past and magical thinking going on.

I’ll tell ya how! IT’S WORK!

OK, so ya start of positive. Like WOW we are gonna work on this. Its’ all Good!

You tell everyone you know, Yeah it’s cool. We are on the right track.

Until some time passes and you realize you are the only one doin the WORK. !! W T F !!!

So I’m thinking! What ya really need to do is have a heart to heart with you first. Then get da Mook you love and lay out the situation. Don’t we all work hard enough, do we really need to have to work at LOVE?

I thought is was suppose to come naturally. But I guess that’s even changes with the times.

Take a deep breath, think positive and go for it.

What you may lose may just be what you need.

Opt out of da work deal and take da package deal..

NYC BS ! Save the Village Scandal

Ok This Italian Chick is pissed  !!!

One of my FAV stores in the East Village called the VILLAGE SCANDAL i being threatened by eviction!

I was in the store last week and was advised of all this nonsense ~~~

This shop has been a staple in the community for many years and the owner Wendy is a lovely woman.

Wendy the owner has been in a battle of corruption and deceit with A.J. Clarke, the property management company. Apparently she has been paying them (has canceled check to prove it) and they have not been disseminating the funds to the Landlord. They are tying to evict her !!

Hummmmmm, I smell a RAT here!!

What it is with all this corruption? All they talk abut is helping small businesses survive and here is a clear example of the BS that goes one. All for the greed of Da Slum Lords and the Property Managers ( Da Loan Sharks)

Please sign this petition to help her and all small business and stop the NYC corruption and slum Lords.

Petition by iPetitions

THE FOUR SEASONS

The Four Seasons

Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree won’t mean a thing if you’re not here with me?

What is it about the holidays that heightens the word relationship or lack their of. It seems that during the holidays the strangest emotions start to creep up.

You were fine in September?

Is it do to the change of seasons? Does this only happen to people that are single? Is Hallmark part of a conspiracy who’s intent is to take you on a visuraul roller costar of emotions while watching heart wrenching commercials that make Frank Capra seem mild. Jeez

So now, after seeing the commercials and reading the cards you find out at time of purchase you get a free kissing bear!! Oh Please..

It’s enough to tear your heart out, along with the fact that it feels somewhat like mulit-level marketing. So the medley continues.

“ I’ll have a blue Christmas without you”!

You find yourself reminiscing about other relationships of days gone by. Before you know it you’re in a cozy chair with a snifter of brandy and you’re on the Jacob Marley tour.

Your mind takes you through every bad relationship you ever had and what’s worse is that you actually start missing them!

Oh my God! It must be something in the eggnog or perhaps the mistletoe works like catnip in reverse.

It actually starts in the fall around pumpkin season. All of a sudden you feel this despair about not being in the patch. Then you have this insatiable urge for cider. Oh lord, and let’s not forget the raging fireplace. As the wind whistles you hear the voices of all your Ex.’s.

The scary part is that you know you cannot escape Christmas and the ever-dreadful New Year’s Eve.

But you awaken in the New Year and realize that God has some sense of humor. So you feel better, you did it! You got through to another year with a smidgen of hope left in your heart and then before you know it, spring is in the air. OK so you weathered the storm so to speak and now you have to deal with blue skies and sultry warm nights and then you have this desire to walk in the park and smell the flowers and look at sunsets and hear the ocean.

The sad part is that everyone you meet does not fit the criteria. You have also realized that apparently you learned some lessons in the dead of winter cause settling is no longer an option. But yet you continue to do the dance and remain optimistic and proactive.

Yes optimistic and proactive is now called dating!

It’s like going on an interview.

Q- What do you do for a living?

A- Well, I’m in banking.

Q- Do you like it?

A- Hummm, I suppose. Yes I like puppies and sunsets and long walks on the beach.

Oh Lord….And so it goes….

It’s the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and oh yea by the way I have dated them all as well..

So you grow tired and throw yourself into your work and optimistic and proactive becomes sparatic. The sad part is that you have done all this work on yourself and there’s no one home to see it.

But then when I least expected it God sent me an amazing person, a muse. Ok a muse with an attitude, fiery, feisty but nonetheless the most remarkable person I have ever met.

They say Love comes from the most unexpected places and I certainly did not expect this! I have meet people that have said they were ready, willing and able and then only to find that they were truly unavailable, unwilling and not capable.

So I am happy to say that I am so looking forward to the pumpkin patch and the cider and the raging fireplace. The Christmas tree, the lights and the strike of midnight on New Years Eve. The sunsets, the beach and cold winter nights.

Is it scary, yeah! Am I scared, most certainly!

I am no longer trying to fit a square peg into a round whole. I found what could be the greatest love of my life.

They say you only have one of them or at least that’s what Sonny said in a Bronx Tale. So when God sends you a gift I’m thinkin you shouldn’t ignore it. I know he has a sense of humor but I don’t want to push it. The last thing I wanna do is piss off God!!

Cider anyone…