DUCT TAPE & DAD

When I was a kid my Dad would duct tape light switches. Then use da marker for booze and wine bottles.

I used to get so annoyed like - what am I a Mook. If ya tell me once I wont touch the damn switch.

As for da booze I had my own system.. I would erase his lines and then draw my own..

So last week one side of my living room lights went out? huh..

Looked at the fuse box and all was cool. So I put a ticket in for maintenance.

I new guy comes. Italian nice and helpful .

He says did u touch the light switch over there? 

I was like - no Daddy !!!!! jeez,,,

Well he asks me to turn it up and BOOM da light came back on...I felt like a Mook...

Was it me? Did I hit that switch in error?  So out came the duct tape!!!  Over the switch it went.

After I did it, I was like - eeeeewwwwwwwwww...

Then I called cable cuz when I turn the TV off in the bedroom all the shit shuts down. The cable box and all..

So I get the night help!!  Minchia.. This little girl is making me hold this and that and then asks me to do the same thing all over again..!!  Gurrrrrrrrr.

Finally I said look I got it!!!  The TV is off and the box is on. THAT IS WHAT I WANTED..!!

OHHH, OK . So Miss Maisano was I able to help you today?

I lied -- I said YES!!!!  Mother of God!!!

So I hang up, go get duct tape and put it on the remote over the system button....

I walked into the living room looked at my Dad's photo and said Thanks Pop. Now I have all your shit.

Now if I pick up some broad and by her a cannoli I'm gonna be in real trouble  !!!!

YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

This story is an oldie but a goodie. My conversation with my Mom tonight

reminded me to resurrect this again.

Tonight she told me.

Babe! That’s what she calls me.

Yea Ma.

Each night I say the rosary in bed then I take them and put them in a case under my pillow and every morning when I wake up they are under my stomach?

Isn’t that odd Babe?

Well Ma, maybe you wake up and decide to say more prayers and don’t remember?

Huh, I don’t think so Babe. I would remember!

I think the Blessed Mother is saying prayers for me!

And now the story !!!

I have this sweet little 89-year-old Mom she is amazing! She is my biggest fan, has always been supportive of me. She knows how to dish guilt like it was a plate of manicotti.

My Mom is very religious ~ !  One of her dressers has like 14 statuses of Saints on it, with a small replica of the Pieta. Then one wall has this massive crucifix- hugeeeeeeeeeeee – and the other wall has these rosary beads that are just as big as the cross. Each bead is a big as a racquetball. I swear…

She lives in this High rise in Bergen County and my Brother live in the same building. Everyday she races in her wheel chair to the sliding doors by the terrace. She sits there and crochets as she looks out the window and complains about what all the people are doing.. She lives on a low floor so nothing passes her….She can tell you who went in and out of the deli and what she thought they bought…

So one day she decided that she wanted to rearrange the living room and so the procession began… Everyone was there moving this and that and my cute little Mom became the Wheel chair CEO… Minga~~

She just loved her new digs….

Then like a week later she gets a call from the lady that owns the deli.

Mary?

Yes..

This is Antoinette from the Deli.

Oh hiya.

Mary, we are looking at your Terrance doors and well – um …

What what, my Mother shouts.

Well, we see the Blessed Mother in the window….

What, Mom yells… I’ll call ya back…

Then she calls my Brother and sisters, she saves me for last because I pretend I am not home.. hahahahahhahahaha

My Big Bro, the prodicial Italian male and the oldest goes downstairs and looks up.. My Mom and my sisters see him making the sign of the cross.. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Then one by one my sisters go look and there they are on the street making the sign of the cross.  Omgggggggggggggggg..

That night I call Mom as I always do.

She says, Babe?

Yea Ma ,what?

She recounts the call (but leaves out the part about the Blessed Mother), she recounts my brother and sisters and then she says.” What do you think is on Mommies window?”

I don’t know Ma, what.

The Blessed Mother!!!

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT….

The battle of wits and why nots began.. She won and I gave up…

For the next week that’s all I heard … The people at the deli were selling tickets for people to see the vision.

My Brother was upstairs trying to figure out how he could capitalize on this.

My sisters were in Awe and I well I was at the shrink…

There was this pilgrimage on Bergen Blvd to see the vision…. People were asking if they could come in the apartment!

So finally I go to see this!

And ya now what????  I saw the same thing, this vision of the Blessed Mother!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I’m like, No , No, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

You read about this shit in the Enquirer!  Man in coffee shop saw the Blessed Mother on a potato chip!!!! Not here. Not my Mom’s house!!!!!

So I go to look around, thinking something aint right~~~that’s when I realized!

When she rearranged the living room she also rearranged her knickknacks and other statuses. Then I saw it! She had a sun catcher with all these crystals hanging on the terrace glass window and acrros that was a glass figurine of the Blessed Mother…

MINGA!!!!! As soon as I moved the figurine the only Mary that was left in the house was my MOM……………..

She was sooooo disappointed!!!! So was my brother because apparently he called the press and was making a deal to get folks up there to rub the glass for $5.00….

She was so disappointed!!

As soon as the vision was gone all these pigeons appeared on her terrace the next day. She was so angry… Yellin at them, sushin and all. This saga went on for a week. The she called one night and said, “Babe, its Mommie” – yea Ma..

All the pidgins left!

Thank God, I replied.

She then says. All but one he wont leave know matter what I do….I threw water at him.I did this, I did that and he always comes back?

Really Ma?

Yea Babe, ya know what?

What Ma –

I think its Daddy…

God Bless Ma

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

Its that time of the year again when we are faced with one of the most tempting decisions.

TO PEEP OR NOT TO PEEP !! 

Ya know, those marshmallow things shaped into the form of a chick, with sugar all over it!

Its Easter time !!!  Quick find your bonnet ~ get ready for Da Easter parade.. Get your HOLY Chocolate now!  CHOCOLATE EGGS, BUNNIES, CROSSES – OMG !!!!

AND LETS NOT FORGET ALL OF THEOSE EASTER MOVIES –

The Robe – the Ten Commandments – King of Kings and Easter Parade!!!

This is the Christian celebration of the Resurrection of Christ .. Where did the friggin chocolate and Peter cotton tail come in?

And Lent !!!

Give up something you love for the 40-day period, symbolizing the Lenten season's return to simplicity and purity. It doesn't matter what you give up - cigarettes, chocolate, surfing the Internet - as long as the meaning of its absence holds significant value to you.

I was raised Roman Catholic but pulled away from many of the traditions of the religion. For me the Church is one of the biggest Corporations around. I believe that the word of God has been manipulated through the times to support  MAN MADE rules.

We even have our own city !!!! VATICAN CITY !!  Did u eva!

Why do you think spirituality has become so popular?

Everyone you meet today calls them selves spiritual!

I mean even if you go on dating websites under religion one of the categories is spirituality.

Since when did spiritual become a religion? I thought spiritual was something you were when no other religion would have you!!!

And has the Universe replaced God?

I have a friend that says to me, Mare – don’t get pissed, give it up to the universe?

Give it love and defuse it! Karma will take care of it!!

Ahhhh here comes the Dalai Lama tail, hoppin down the wellness trail!!          WHAT !!!!

It’s hard to be spiritual when you are Italian !

I can see it now. 

Ding dong – who’s there?

KARMA!

Karma who?

Look open da friggin door before I smack ya!!!!

But here we are Lost in DA Bunnies. Lookin for Lent in all the wrong places.

Maybe it’s not even something tangible that you should give up?

Maybe you should give up bad behavior?

Or stop being a Nasty Ass!

Or maybe, just maybe try to be more tolerant!

 But inevitably you will find yourself in CVS or the grocery store on line starring at PEEPS and thinking – Hummmmmmmmm.

Maybe I’ll only buy one package?

Ok so the power of the PEEPS has taken you over – you BUY the friggin PEEPS!

Only to get them home and poke a few holes in the package and have to wait till the next day to eat them so they are nice and stale.

Now that’s LENT !!!!  WAITING FOR THE PEEPS TO GET HARD?

Which resembles sex – hummmmmmmm….

So all you Peeps out there that are so perplexed as to what to give up or if you’re feeling like you are not being a good Catholic just sit back and ponder a bit.

If you need/want to follow the traditions of the religion then fine!!!

If you struggle with some of those MAN MADE interpretations, then just do the right things, love your neighbor ( as long as they are not married ) follow right action and if you really want to – just buy the damn PEEPS!

I got cha arrow right hereeee

Love is in Da Air

The other night I was browsing the home page. This woman wrote how crazy in love she was with her Husband and that they had been married for many years and they still have it going on.

Then some woman commented and said. “Oh really, then he must be having an affair if he is all into you!” Or maybe you are just delusional because it’s BS!!

MINGA- WOW~ ~~ !!!!!

The woman that wrote the original post simply replied back and said, “ Sorry you have been hurt!”..

Now that was amazing because if it were me I would have been all over that, soooo typical Italian!! All in da sauce.

Valentine’s Day applies such unnecessary pressure! It starts at the office when that little 90210 type blonde assistant gets so many flowers delivered. The office is more abundant with delivery men rather then staff. Then to add insult to injury she yells out and says” If none of ya got flowers I can give ya some of mine”!   Guurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

She has a date for lunch, dinner and then a late night drink. Minga. Then there goes your fictional mind, “what’s wrong with me?” Why don’t I have a date? How come I got no flowers? Valentines’ Day is a commercialized, money making pyramid scheme if ya ask me!

There are some peeps out there that have, shall we say – “FOUND IT”.

The magic and passion. The trust and mutual respect.

The continued longing after years of being together.

Learning the dance of compromise. Supporting your partners needs and dreams.

Trust me, it can happen! This I know for a fact.

I am not trying to get all Zen and cerebral on you here but I am a believer.

With Valentines Day lurking in the wings many things come to mind.

First off, Loves got nothing to do with Valentines Day!

Anyone can get all in the Kool-aid for ONE day – Love is maintaining that stature all the time ~

Some Folks are tainted about Love, some folks are in Love with Love and some Folks settle for Love.

Folks even misplace Sex for Love! Then six months later you wake up, look at that person next to you and say, “what was I thinking!”. Ahhh, the mistake of Lusty love…

And the next time you see a RED FLAD – believe it! Don’t keep changing the color and pretend its friggin mauve. When someone shows you’re thier True Colors the first time, believe it.

I have heard so many horror stories from both my Male & Female friends. This one chick had 2 cell phones, one for Da Honey and one for da rest!

One friend said she met this guy for coffee at the mall and he bought his daughter? The kid walked around the book store kept herself busy and the date was ova, she thought – awwwww he had his kid that night but really wanted to meet me! Until she found out he was married and could not leave the house unless da kid was with him!! You friggin MOOK..

However, not every Mista you meet is Mista Right! He or she may simply be Mista for the Moment..

They may be the person that comes into your world to teach you some lessons. Yes I know – how many lessons do we need.

That depends on you! If you find yourself doing the same things every day, excepting different results, well slap yourself now…

So when u meet someone new and you think there is potential there. Plan the moments rather than the future. It’s not based on manipulation or control but rather a need. Controlling the situation is not about being a control freak. It’s basically about controlling insecurities. Some people use strategies of control to compensate for not trusting. Or (what if) yourself into a corner for no good reason at all.

Don’t let all those old behaviors take control. Therefore, do not allow yourself to assume without the facts. Because assumptions manipulate fears and fears drive insecurities and before you know it, You’re in the Land of fear, dread and anxiety. With a season pass to the resort of Disappointment! And none of it has even happened. You are what if’ing. And then believing it!

If you were hurt, find your way home from there and don’t let what could be a good thing pass you by because you are afraid to let them in or sabotage it.

So if you are in Love – God Bless ya for taking a chance!~~

If you are Single – hang in because your Love will arrive shortly when you are ready to let it happen. Trust me~!

If you are Asexual – I hope u have a pet !!!!

So get da bow and arrow and aim for da heart!!  WHOOPS’ , that’s a scene from Goodfella’s.