Mama Maisano - Rest in Peace

THE TIN BOX

When my Dad came to America he was 18. He was here for a year then drafted into the US Army- WW2- da big one, as he would say.

He always had this tin box and every once in a while he would say, “Mariana go getta Daddy da box”.

I came to find out that box was from the war and he had all his important papers in it.

Since my Mom took a turn for the worse with her health my brother cracked into “THE TIN BOX” to get some of her important papers.

Oddly it was still Daddy’s box as when it was told to me he said I went into Daddy’s tin box.

It made me think~

Is that what we all come down to!

A tin box?

Uncertainty, fear and sadness can really take a toll on you. You have an inordinate amount of emotions that make you feel almost bi-polar. One minute you’re angry, then sad. You find yourself talking to God and requesting a rally for life or a passage home.

It’s the one time in life that you really have no control over the situation. You simply have to wait.

My siblings and I were at odds and the next second crying.

There I was in the middle of my family, Tony Soprano, Carmella and Janice.

Once Hospice came it was like a miracle and a weight was lifted. All I wanted was my Mom to be comfortable and not struggle.

My Mom was an amazing woman who lived a hard life.

Her Dad was from Naples and her Mom died giving childbirth to the 5th sibling. My Grandpa had to put the four kids in an orphanage, as he could not feed them. When he got enough money he got them out but the youngest was adopted.

At eight years old my Mom became “The Mom” for all of her siblings. At eight!

At eight years old I could barely unravel my slinky and she was the head of the household.

At 16 she married Dad.

When Dad came home he opened a Taxi company and she was raising us and answering the phone and saying breaker, breaker 1-9 to dispatch calls. We lived no more then 500 feet from the George Washington Bridge and Dad put a sign out on house that said commuter-parking 50 cents. So now she was cooking, cleaning, taking care of us, answering the phones and parking cars.

The one thing in life she loved the most was us, her kids.

You would think we were still 12 years old. She was my biggest fanJ

When I resigned my position to follow my passions I did not tell her. I thought OMG she will flip.

Ya know how she found out?

The newspaper did this huge article on the show and me.

She called me and said, Babe, its Mommy.

I just read the paper and they did a great job. I am so proud of you Honey.

I said Ma, I had to leave the bank to make things happen, do you understand?

All she said was, “you are my Baby, you can do anything”!

I know that grieving is a process and it takes time. However I choose to celebrate her and her life.

She always made me laugh and did the funniest things that to this day are part of my act because you really cant make this shit up.

So everyday of my life will be a tribute to hers.

She was the toughest Italian Chick I knewJ

God Bless you Mommy!

And Daddy you better be waiting with dinner or she will be pissed J

THE MOVEMENT

THE MOVEMENT

We have all this support for the Tea Party Movement – The Coffee Party Movement – and so on...

However we have all missed DA big one - THE BOWEL MOVEMENT...

Where are the fundraisers – the awareness – the government subsidies?

Look regardless if you talk about it or not we all know it exists.

We also know if it don’t happen how messed up your day is!

The Bowel Movement is so tied into our day to day. During my research I have discovered something.

Apparently the Bowel Movement is temperamental, meaning if you throw it off schedule you are finished.

It rebels! If you find yourself in a time crunch you’re Bowel will indeed start playing its games.

Case study:

You are up early but have to be somewhere at a certain time. You have the coffee, as the Bowel Movement loves that and the oatmeal. On an unhurried day all is fine but on this day you now start feeling the revolt. The Bowel pretends that it’s ready. You have all the signs! Yet when you attempt to help it your Bowel says – nope, no way, Nada..

 False alarm. Hummmmmmmm..

So you play the game go about your business getting ready thinking you can out wit it. Still looking at the clock.

Then you get another sign it could happen. You run to the throne, get in the stance and you feel like you are passing a tree!!  Only to find out it was one rock. Yes you heard me – a rock.

This happens to the best of us. But where are the support groups?

I can see it now, a church basement with coffee and prunes. People coming with their faces in pain.  New members stand up and say: my name is Sal it’s been 3 rocks since the last Movement~

Timing is key here, as Da Bowel does not like its schedule rearranged. So if you are having this issue.

Take your time! Screw it, call your boss and say look I got rocks I am gonna be late. As a matter of fact I have to start work at 9 because these hours are killin me...Tell him you are part of the Movement.

So be kind to da Movement and it will respect and work with you..

That’s where Rock, Scissor, Paper came from..

Tomorrow I am sleepin in...

DUCT TAPE & DAD

When I was a kid my Dad would duct tape light switches. Then use da marker for booze and wine bottles.

I used to get so annoyed like - what am I a Mook. If ya tell me once I wont touch the damn switch.

As for da booze I had my own system.. I would erase his lines and then draw my own..

So last week one side of my living room lights went out? huh..

Looked at the fuse box and all was cool. So I put a ticket in for maintenance.

I new guy comes. Italian nice and helpful .

He says did u touch the light switch over there? 

I was like - no Daddy !!!!! jeez,,,

Well he asks me to turn it up and BOOM da light came back on...I felt like a Mook...

Was it me? Did I hit that switch in error?  So out came the duct tape!!!  Over the switch it went.

After I did it, I was like - eeeeewwwwwwwwww...

Then I called cable cuz when I turn the TV off in the bedroom all the shit shuts down. The cable box and all..

So I get the night help!!  Minchia.. This little girl is making me hold this and that and then asks me to do the same thing all over again..!!  Gurrrrrrrrr.

Finally I said look I got it!!!  The TV is off and the box is on. THAT IS WHAT I WANTED..!!

OHHH, OK . So Miss Maisano was I able to help you today?

I lied -- I said YES!!!!  Mother of God!!!

So I hang up, go get duct tape and put it on the remote over the system button....

I walked into the living room looked at my Dad's photo and said Thanks Pop. Now I have all your shit.

Now if I pick up some broad and by her a cannoli I'm gonna be in real trouble  !!!!

YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

YOUR HOLY MOMMIENESS

This story is an oldie but a goodie. My conversation with my Mom tonight

reminded me to resurrect this again.

Tonight she told me.

Babe! That’s what she calls me.

Yea Ma.

Each night I say the rosary in bed then I take them and put them in a case under my pillow and every morning when I wake up they are under my stomach?

Isn’t that odd Babe?

Well Ma, maybe you wake up and decide to say more prayers and don’t remember?

Huh, I don’t think so Babe. I would remember!

I think the Blessed Mother is saying prayers for me!

And now the story !!!

I have this sweet little 89-year-old Mom she is amazing! She is my biggest fan, has always been supportive of me. She knows how to dish guilt like it was a plate of manicotti.

My Mom is very religious ~ !  One of her dressers has like 14 statuses of Saints on it, with a small replica of the Pieta. Then one wall has this massive crucifix- hugeeeeeeeeeeee – and the other wall has these rosary beads that are just as big as the cross. Each bead is a big as a racquetball. I swear…

She lives in this High rise in Bergen County and my Brother live in the same building. Everyday she races in her wheel chair to the sliding doors by the terrace. She sits there and crochets as she looks out the window and complains about what all the people are doing.. She lives on a low floor so nothing passes her….She can tell you who went in and out of the deli and what she thought they bought…

So one day she decided that she wanted to rearrange the living room and so the procession began… Everyone was there moving this and that and my cute little Mom became the Wheel chair CEO… Minga~~

She just loved her new digs….

Then like a week later she gets a call from the lady that owns the deli.

Mary?

Yes..

This is Antoinette from the Deli.

Oh hiya.

Mary, we are looking at your Terrance doors and well – um …

What what, my Mother shouts.

Well, we see the Blessed Mother in the window….

What, Mom yells… I’ll call ya back…

Then she calls my Brother and sisters, she saves me for last because I pretend I am not home.. hahahahahhahahaha

My Big Bro, the prodicial Italian male and the oldest goes downstairs and looks up.. My Mom and my sisters see him making the sign of the cross.. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Then one by one my sisters go look and there they are on the street making the sign of the cross.  Omgggggggggggggggg..

That night I call Mom as I always do.

She says, Babe?

Yea Ma ,what?

She recounts the call (but leaves out the part about the Blessed Mother), she recounts my brother and sisters and then she says.” What do you think is on Mommies window?”

I don’t know Ma, what.

The Blessed Mother!!!

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT….

The battle of wits and why nots began.. She won and I gave up…

For the next week that’s all I heard … The people at the deli were selling tickets for people to see the vision.

My Brother was upstairs trying to figure out how he could capitalize on this.

My sisters were in Awe and I well I was at the shrink…

There was this pilgrimage on Bergen Blvd to see the vision…. People were asking if they could come in the apartment!

So finally I go to see this!

And ya now what????  I saw the same thing, this vision of the Blessed Mother!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I’m like, No , No, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

You read about this shit in the Enquirer!  Man in coffee shop saw the Blessed Mother on a potato chip!!!! Not here. Not my Mom’s house!!!!!

So I go to look around, thinking something aint right~~~that’s when I realized!

When she rearranged the living room she also rearranged her knickknacks and other statuses. Then I saw it! She had a sun catcher with all these crystals hanging on the terrace glass window and acrros that was a glass figurine of the Blessed Mother…

MINGA!!!!! As soon as I moved the figurine the only Mary that was left in the house was my MOM……………..

She was sooooo disappointed!!!! So was my brother because apparently he called the press and was making a deal to get folks up there to rub the glass for $5.00….

She was so disappointed!!

As soon as the vision was gone all these pigeons appeared on her terrace the next day. She was so angry… Yellin at them, sushin and all. This saga went on for a week. The she called one night and said, “Babe, its Mommie” – yea Ma..

All the pidgins left!

Thank God, I replied.

She then says. All but one he wont leave know matter what I do….I threw water at him.I did this, I did that and he always comes back?

Really Ma?

Yea Babe, ya know what?

What Ma –

I think its Daddy…

God Bless Ma

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

LENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY

Its that time of the year again when we are faced with one of the most tempting decisions.

TO PEEP OR NOT TO PEEP !! 

Ya know, those marshmallow things shaped into the form of a chick, with sugar all over it!

Its Easter time !!!  Quick find your bonnet ~ get ready for Da Easter parade.. Get your HOLY Chocolate now!  CHOCOLATE EGGS, BUNNIES, CROSSES – OMG !!!!

AND LETS NOT FORGET ALL OF THEOSE EASTER MOVIES –

The Robe – the Ten Commandments – King of Kings and Easter Parade!!!

This is the Christian celebration of the Resurrection of Christ .. Where did the friggin chocolate and Peter cotton tail come in?

And Lent !!!

Give up something you love for the 40-day period, symbolizing the Lenten season's return to simplicity and purity. It doesn't matter what you give up - cigarettes, chocolate, surfing the Internet - as long as the meaning of its absence holds significant value to you.

I was raised Roman Catholic but pulled away from many of the traditions of the religion. For me the Church is one of the biggest Corporations around. I believe that the word of God has been manipulated through the times to support  MAN MADE rules.

We even have our own city !!!! VATICAN CITY !!  Did u eva!

Why do you think spirituality has become so popular?

Everyone you meet today calls them selves spiritual!

I mean even if you go on dating websites under religion one of the categories is spirituality.

Since when did spiritual become a religion? I thought spiritual was something you were when no other religion would have you!!!

And has the Universe replaced God?

I have a friend that says to me, Mare – don’t get pissed, give it up to the universe?

Give it love and defuse it! Karma will take care of it!!

Ahhhh here comes the Dalai Lama tail, hoppin down the wellness trail!!          WHAT !!!!

It’s hard to be spiritual when you are Italian !

I can see it now. 

Ding dong – who’s there?

KARMA!

Karma who?

Look open da friggin door before I smack ya!!!!

But here we are Lost in DA Bunnies. Lookin for Lent in all the wrong places.

Maybe it’s not even something tangible that you should give up?

Maybe you should give up bad behavior?

Or stop being a Nasty Ass!

Or maybe, just maybe try to be more tolerant!

 But inevitably you will find yourself in CVS or the grocery store on line starring at PEEPS and thinking – Hummmmmmmmm.

Maybe I’ll only buy one package?

Ok so the power of the PEEPS has taken you over – you BUY the friggin PEEPS!

Only to get them home and poke a few holes in the package and have to wait till the next day to eat them so they are nice and stale.

Now that’s LENT !!!!  WAITING FOR THE PEEPS TO GET HARD?

Which resembles sex – hummmmmmmm….

So all you Peeps out there that are so perplexed as to what to give up or if you’re feeling like you are not being a good Catholic just sit back and ponder a bit.

If you need/want to follow the traditions of the religion then fine!!!

If you struggle with some of those MAN MADE interpretations, then just do the right things, love your neighbor ( as long as they are not married ) follow right action and if you really want to – just buy the damn PEEPS!